Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Growth~Feeling a little hidden among the changing shadows

The slow shift from Fall to Winter has left me feeling on the verge of everything-anxious almost to just know what it will feel like once this change has settled in and become routine . But I remind myself that change is the beauty;where the power of the Universe reveals itself in unbelievable colors and shapes and lights and energies; and humble hearts, and I suppose the anxious feeling is instinct shouting to take notice; once it shifts you'll miss the newness, it says. But it's hard to recognize this when the day stops short and the mixed emotion of weather tires my bones and causes deep pressure in my head.
Today after two days of rain without a glimpse of sunlight and after the day gives over to night without so much as a sign its closing I begin to waver. I went for rainy walks with Korlyn- her covered in warm layers and I drenched in the goodness of  Fall rain. I listened to music and found every color in the fallen leaves- piercing colors against the rain-painted jet black of the cement walking trail. I gave thanks for everything drenched in dreary and took a deep breath of midst. Yet, I just want to sleep. And as I lay on my bed after fixing dinner, tears in my eyes, as daylight as left me feeling vulnerable in the grip of midnight at 5:00 my three come charging in- drawings in hand. Cole says hers is scribble. I tell him that is how she expresses herself through drawing at this age and his used to look somewhat like hers when he was two. He shows me his detailed drawing of a dragon with colors "in a pattern" and tells me that his has always looked liked what he shows me now. I guess we are both correct. Who knows what she was drawing, but I know she must have had a perfect vision for it. So with warm tears and a fatigued spirit J asks me whats wrong- and I think for the first time, I blatantly admit that the change from Fall to Winter throws me into moody sadness; I sigh in his hug and feel peaceful with my admittance. I go to sleep at 8:00- I've spent years resisting how susceptible I am to shifts of whatever kind- weather, moods, time, permanence- empathic. On the verge of my next birth year I find myself resisting myself less and less. And it feels peaceful.
 My heart the other day in church felt wide open- i could feel the warmth of spreading possibility deep inside and it felt fantastic. Like delicate layers of tissue paper folded gently open and the energy surrounding my heart felt warm and unblocked- like it can often when I worry. I felt on the verge of everything again; except this time it was welcomed with much more hope.

Today the sun came.


  1. You have reminded me of tissue paper in the past, but more & more you are turning into hand pressed tree paper; strong & soft, unique & beautiful, old & new. There's a story that lies in you & you must never stop writing.
    ~LoVe ~M~

  2. Beautiful Cayden. Feels lovely to connect over the emotions that come up with the changing of the seasons. To embrace it all :)