Friday, January 17, 2020

I think like most I resonate with certain words that encourage, or inspire, or those that have become familiar. Maybe they are words rooted in family, passed along like a recipe, shared as a communal language. Maybe they are words picked up along the way through life, brought about by a poignant moment in conversation, an underline to a standout phrase along a sentence, an intimate study of a process. Some words we use are simple and general, but hold great meaning in our lives. Some of the words that describe the happenings in my life are seen in my tagline~      grow.nourish.artistry.wonder

They are simple, explanatory on the surface, but also reflect personal meanings to myself and the life of my family.

I first think of  Nourish in this way:

Nourish ~ food, garden, recipe creations, taste, thirst, regional foods, seasonal, farmer's market, autoimmune disease, vegan/vegetarian, meat, utensils, raising healthful eaters, farm, cooking with herbs, sustainability, consciousness

I think of nourish as in taking care of the body by way of food, sustenance and health, however there are ways in which I nourish my soul as well

on a short list:
listen to music,
 hold my children and talk with them
watch movies with my husband
cook with my family
time alone

On that minimal list are the times that make me feel gratitude, for just being. 

Upon entering my forties I am recognizing a different way to nourish, by learning tools for what IS presently, not in the past (regrets) or in the future (fantasy). I'm sensing a pivotal time emotionally where I have awareness of the purpose to meet my shadow self and make amends. Through other familial work I have realized that I disassociate from truths about myself and others as a way to provide protection over my thoughts, emotions and personality. I don't want to face the hard truths sometimes so I hold back in being bold or truthful or exploratory; fearful of what I may fail at or whom I will fail, even though I know neither are true. I've carried physical weight around as bondage to my emotional state. I've drank wine and made lists of things I will do, but never begin. I spewed anger and instantly regretted it, telling myself, next time I won't do that, only to do it again, and again and again. Only when we recognize in the shadow self why we project certain reactions we begin to control our actions.  I recently read that procrastination can be an emotional regulatory problem. In all the ideas that make me feel most like me I waiver. I'm curious where along the way I began to distrust my own ability. I've been become successful in many areas of my life, but according to others not really me. To me I've just burnt the candle at both ends because tireless work made me feel that I had made my worth. Or subconsciously maybe I was putting off big dreams thinking I unworthy of that. I admire those that go after what they are called to do. As we all are, I am in an intricate process of unfolding. I am just acutely aware of actively taking part now. Realizing that I mask my sensitive being because I don't know how to express myself without feeling like I am losing control of my situation, although I realize I never have control, only experiences. I mask my sensitive being because sometimes I was shamed for being too, sensitive.

 I am sitting here waiting on my daughter to get off the bus and I am thinking about me at her age and what I need to connect with internally that would make the then me feel belonging, transverse time and bring that to the present. I will give my daughter a hug, ask her about her day and make her a snack, all with a heaviness in my stomach from reaching deep into my psyche. I'll transition out of that space into the present with her, gratitude for the gift she gives to me, nodding to my Shadow Self that waits patiently so. What a blessing to self-discover.